Greatest List of Home Improvement Tips

This is the best list of general home improvement tips we've seen in a long time and we're almost certain that you've never seen any of these tips before so please bookmark this page and savor each and every one of these useful tips.

* As they say, the three rules of house-painting are preparation, preparation, and painting.
* Bear in mind that in certain cases, remodeling and refinishing costs can balloon to the point where it might be cheaper just to buy a new trailer.
* Installing a second basement is time-consuming at best.
* A big, hardworking man like the plumber could probably use a backrub to help him relax.
* Do not begin a home-repair project without a bunch of fixy stuff like hammers and whatnot.

   

* The following are some phrases you will likely need for standard home repair: "Get in there, you cocksucker!"; "Fucking son-of-a-bitch grommet!"; and "Jesus fuck--my forearm is gone!"
* For heavy home-repair work, consider hiring a truckload of Mexicans as day laborers. (Note: Truckloads of Hasidic Jews not as effective as Mexicans.)
* Common household chemicals like drain openers and silicone lubricants can get you totally high. I shit you not.
* For bathroom-remodeling jobs, don't forget to install a hand-held shower head. It will help your wife masturbate while thinking about that well-muscled repairman who will come to fix all the mistakes you make when you try to do the job yourself.
* One telltale sign that you need to go back to the old drawing board on a home plumbing project is if urine and feces are geysering out of the kitchen sink.
* When remodeling your bathroom, remember: If you plan on having French people over, they'll need one of those ass-fountains.

Tips courtesy of The Onion.